I used to think that after years of missing someone the pain of missing them would just go away. Or maybe if I got grown up enough, somehow I’d learn to deal with sad things and maybe they wouldn’t hurt anymore.
But the more I grow up I realize that life’s not like that.
And I never thought I’d want to remember such a horrible day, but that was her last day and the closest day we have to her. And even if I try to ignore it, it haunts me and I wish somehow we could rewind back till her last breath and catch it for her and hold her here. So there’s no use. The day comes up on the calendar and I remember. I can’t forget it even if I try.
So today I let myself miss her, my dear Bachan who we lost in a horrible tragedy years ago; my sweet grandma who I adored and wish my kids could have met.
She was truly everything sweet and feisty, curious and playful, all rolled up into the dearest face I could ever imagine and when I play forts with my guys or bake with them I sometimes find myself thinking of her and it makes me happy. She had an amazingly childish joie de vivre and I think that’s what I loved most about her. When I was young, I felt like she truly understood my soul.
But because of her I don’t know how to teach my guys about getting over heartbreak and I am wondering more and more if that’s something we really need to learn. Do kids need to learn about grief or do they just learn by living? I don’t wallow in my own grief, but I do let my heart seams tear open a little bit today as I hug my family, bundle up warm, eat some sweets and send some thankful wishes out into the universe and let myself have a good cry.
My dear sweet beautiful Bachan. You are missed. You are loved. And you are not forgotten. And I hope that by living this day in this way I don’t feel like I’ve lost you forever.
(PS. how do we teach our kids about grief? How do we even start? I recently had a chat with friends about crying in front of our kids. Do we do it? Do we not? Do we address the issue or just hide it away? Would love to hear what you do….)